Deb Erikson

HOPE
the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all.

-  Emily Dickinson

My mom created a large cross stitch of this quote and framed it for me.  It is still in the most visible place in my home and I see it many times a day.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

In the beginning, and every time you need to make a decision, read everything you can.  The knowledge helps give you power, which seems sorely lacking right now.  This Knowledge power helps you find the strength you will use throughout your journey.  When I was first diagnosed, I found that I remembered very little of what the doctors said in his or her office.  But I had a book, for me the bible of breast care, The Breast Book by Dr. Susan Love, that I referred to regularly.  I could remember enough to find the right passage and then read it.  I could not only understand what my doctor was saying, but I could ask very important questions that lead me to my answers and decisions.

Do this reading in the beginning when you need to understand.  Then, once you've made your decision using this information, put the books down and forget about them.  I even took them out of my bedroom and shelved them in another room.   They didn't need to be a part of my immediate space anymore.  It can turn into an unhealthy connection if you hold onto the books after they've served your purpose.   Let go of them and just use them as reference books, not as daily books.  It's time to move on, to begin to think of life again.

BALDNESS - a new perspective

Luckily, I've always been a short hair person, where hair was more of an inconvenience, so to become bald wasn't as difficult as I expected.  Actually, I dreaded the actual falling out.  That was much more upsetting to me.  So when the clumps began falling, I asked Lynn to shave my head.  It was kind of a short buzz but I must say, it felt wonderful and I began to get used to the new look.

Here's the good parts - no more bad hair days,  you never have to wash your hair, no expensive shampoos or conditioners!  It doesn't take ANY time to get ready! 

I actually like the way I look.  There is a certain balance, a certain symmetry.  I look at my eyes more closely.  I never noticed that I have freckles.  I think there is a depth to my eyes that wasn't there before; a kind of wisdom.  Between the mastectomy and the baldness, I'm learning to see the beauty in myself.  It's not about having two breasts or soft and beautiful hair.  Those beautiful body parts can be a part of your strength, your beauty, but they don't have to be.  This is the time to take stock of who you are and enjoy that person.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  It's never good for you, and too often, in our minds, we always come up short.

YOUR JOURNAL

Your first most important purchase is a lovely journal.  Use it daily.  That first week of my diagnosis I started my gratitude journal.  Each morning I would start my journal writing with my gratitudes of the day - everything I was grateful for.  This was a powerful way to focus my heart.  Then I would write anything I was feeling or thinking.  Journaling is one of the most healing things you can do for yourself, anytime, anywhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From "Playing the Hand You're Dealt" by Deb Erikson

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Playing the Hand You're Dealt

 

YOUR LIST

Begin to make a list of all your qualities.  They will be emotional, mental, intellectual, spiritual and physical.  We need all of these parts to be balanced.  I sometimes wonder if illness isn't a result of an imbalance of these.   It is too easy to get more involved in one or two, and discount the others.   Perhaps the ones we're leaving out are harder for us to see, but they are still there.

This is a list you will add to the rest of your life.  You might take some time to discover your list items, and, hopefully, you will find you are developing new ones as you go along.

I think one of the hardest tasks is to look at ourselves and see the good.   We haven't been programmed to do that.  Now it's time to reprogram and learn.   Believe me, it's time.

How about an example?  Have you ever noticed that when you've had a stressful day, you think your butt is really big?  And then the next day, you look in the mirror and think "wow, my butt is looking pretty good!"  I've got a news flash for you.  I don't think your butt changed in one day.  How you looked at yourself is what changed.  I would bet that the next day was good, you handled something you were proud of, maybe you just got a good night's sleep.  Whatever it was, you liked yourself. 

Now back to the list.  Make a list of things that make you feel good, that give you joy.  It may be sitting in a chair in the shade, listening to music, reading a favorite book, or drawing. Whatever these moments may be, begin to gather them for when you will need them.  For I assure you, there will be moments when you will need them.

 

USING THE MOMENTS

Divide your list of things that give you joy into ones that take the least energy, medium energy and high energy.  The least energy might be listening to books on tape, meditation, and listening to music.  Keep the least energy moments handy and easy to pick up, for these will be your tools when you are feeling low.  You may think you don't have enough energy to do even the least of your list.  But force yourself.  It will help.  The pain or fatigue or nausea will be lessened.  

FEARS

"The warrior doesn't try to cast out fear.  Instead fear is regarded as a fat kindling log with which to build a gigantic fire of fearlessness."

  -  Cynthia Kneen, audio excerpt from "Shambhala Warrior Training"

FEAR OF DEATH

Not everyone likes to think or talk about this part, but for me it was the most powerful, freeing part.  This is your opportunity to really know that we are all going to die.  We don't know when or how.  But this cancer experience may make us wonder if it's going to happen tomorrow.

This is a time to examine yourself.  How do you feel about death?   Is it a natural part of life?  Do you believe or have faith in the wonderment of the Other Side?  Take time to think this through.  What does death mean to you?  Write anything  you think and feel in your journal.   It's called stream of consciousness and you can find out many amazing things about yourself through this uncensored writing.  Remember, it is just for you.  You don't need to share it with anyone unless you choose to.

 

email me at

deb at debraerikson.com

 

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